Different
by bluemoonbabe
Summary: This takes place after Julian and Alexis broke up in October 2014. It's my take on what happens at the hospital after he follows her to it.


Different

I should have fucking known that no matter what I say, no matter what I do—it'll be the same. She'll leave and then come back, only to leave me again. Our pattern is stuck on replay, and I want it to end once and for all. I'd rather she come back and stay, instead of leave—but either way, I don't think I could survive one more blow to the heart. I can't watch her walk out that door one more time.

It's over. The hell it is. I've lost her and gotten her back too many times to let her slip through my fingers so easily. I admit, stalking her wasn't the brightest idea that's ever sprouted from my head, but on one hand it gave me the chance to talk to her—to see her. She looked so breathtaking while she was fuming mad. Fuck. Talking to her at the hospital didn't work out, so what am I supposed to do now?

I'm still wandering these damned halls, probably looking like a creepy maniac—which I probably am, considering how low I've stooped, stalking Alexis. Trying to talk to her, only to have her skillfully retaliate like the brilliant lawyer she is. Every word was uttered tactfully; it was almost like a well-rehearsed speech, the kind that people spend many sleepless nights writing. She looked so beautiful, all riled up… I can't get her face out of my head; I can't get that moment out of my head.

She can ask me to move on countless times, but she's drilled into my mind and nothing will remove her from it. I hear her call my name when no one is around. I see her when I open my eyes in the morning. The taste of her mouth catches me off-guard at random points in the day, and it completely knocks me off my feet. I can still feel my fingers vibrating from when I once was allowed touch her… And I remember just an hour ago, when she let me wrap my arm around her shoulder and walk her through that hall, the feel of her suit coat's fabric against my fingertips, the smell of her perfume… Oh god, I haven't been able to change the sheets since she's gone, because her smell is the only thing that will lull me to sleep at night. I haven't thrown out her bottle of shampoo; it's been left to lounge in the shower waiting to be used by her. The makeup palette that she left in the medicine cabinet will stay there, and if Ava ever comes back and dares to touch it I swear I will shoot her. Alexis is an omnipresent component of my life, even if she's not with me physically. She haunts me wherever I go, and that's why I can't let go of her—I never will.

I don't know how I will be able to face Sam after all of this. Will Alexis divulge her latest mistake to her, to our daughter? How can I come over and take care of Danny, our grandson, without thinking of Alexis? Will Alexis avoid Sam and Danny whenever I'm around? What will Danny ask when he's older and wondering why grandma and grandpa aren't together? Alexis and I were always complicated, but we're even more complicated when we're apart.

After wandering the halls of the hospital for an hour and a half, trying to clear my head of her and failing, I finally decided to get out and find my car in the parking lot. I hear sniffles and in the distance and the click of heels. I don't bother to turn around; it's not my business if someone is off crying. I finally spot my car in the corner and I pick up my pace. The click of heels is getting closer, slowly at first and then the clicks get faster. The sounds are coming closer to me. The sniffling has turned into sobs and by the time I'm at my car I hear a wisp of a voice. It's croaked out, completely broken and almost inhuman but it's definitely there. It's not one of those tricks my mind is playing on me this time, I know it.

"Julian," I hear from behind me and I turn around.

Alexis is standing there, her face red and swollen from crying.

I finally did it; I told Julian how I feel—how he makes me feel. He's like a drug. The high he gives me lasts for a moment, but then it's gone and I'm left hung-over and exhausted. I got addicted to him, and as with all addictions, he destroyed me. I was left broken and unsure of what was left of my life. Ned reminded me of what it was like, what it could still be like. He could make me laugh; he could dance with me and make sure that I stay safe. There's nothing to fear in his arms… there's nothing to feel.

I don't want Ned. He's just a friend.

What am I thinking?

Julian isn't like a drug. Hell, he's the best thing that ever happened in my life. He gave me a daughter, and refused to be a deadbeat parent when he found out who Sam was to him, who Danny was to him. He saw me at the Floating Rib that night, looked at me and it was like he had fallen in love with me at that moment—like I had fallen in love with him at that moment. Déjà vu plagued us whenever we caught even a glance of one another. It was beautiful; to feel the way he made my heart race and the butterflies in my stomach that sprouted out of their cocoons whenever he was around. Even though my family will be in danger whenever with him, we're in danger without him because his boss knows how much we mean to him. I'm an enormous idiot for telling myself that I would be safer without him. It's just an excuse for how scared I feel, how this love I'm harboring makes me so terrified.

It's dangerous to love a mobster, but I'm Alexis Davis—and the only men I've ever loved were mobsters. Here comes Julian Jerome, the one mobster everyone should fear, even more so than Sonny, and I fall irrevocably head over heels for this man. I'm pitiful.

I could look Julian in the eyes, and lie to his face about how I feel. Ned doesn't make me feel good; he just helps me deepen the denial I'm in. Ned is a shoulder to lean on when things go downhill, but he's not the shoulder I want to cry on. He doesn't have the pair of arms that I want to hold me when I feel like I'm falling apart. He doesn't have the love that I'm willing to accept.

Julian's arms are the ones that I want to be in. It's his love that I want. I want to go to sleep at night with him in my bed, next to me. I want to wake up in the morning and for him to still be there. I want to fight with him and make up with him later. And it's okay, because he understands how hotheaded I can be. He accepts that I can be on top of the world one moment and breakdown completely the other, but moreover he'll be there to get me through it.

He's lied to me, and I've lied to him. He chose the mob… And I've chosen my family. And we're both dying on the inside because we chose anything but each other. Maybe I really fucked up this time. Was it a mistake going back to him, or was it a mistake leaving him after that phone call? Oh god I really fucked up this time.

I want him here right now. We don't need to say anything; we don't need to make love. Him just being here is enough for me. I want him so much. I need Julian. It's not about the sex. I don't only need him for sex. I need him for who he is, for what he gives me, for what he makes me. I need him because when he's not here I feel like I'm no longer complete.

Just like how I feel right now.

I'm walking through the hospital in tears, and people are probably thinking that I've just heard the worst news of my life, but I don't give two shits about any of that right now. I just want to find Julian. I need to apologize. God damn it, I just want to be in his arms. I'll hate myself later for it, one day maybe, but I'll spend more time regretting not going back to him if I don't go find him right now.

I'll go to his apartment. Hopefully he'll be there.

But then I see him, in the parking lot. He doesn't have that cocky smirk on his face that he usually does, the one I miss seeing. He's fidgeting for his car keys in his pants, and that adorable sight is making me sob even harder. I start walking toward him, faster and faster, and I'm crying even more. I just want him to hold me. I just want him to need me as much as I need him; I want him to love me as much as I love him. I still want him to want me back.

There's this beautiful woman crying in front of me, and for a second I don't know what to do. She says my name again, this time a little stronger. I say hers. Before I know it she's in my arms, trembling like a leaf in the wind.

"What's wrong Alexis?"

She doesn't respond.

I unlock my car and open the door of the backseat for her. "Come on, you can't stand out here crying in my arms like this all day long." She goes in reluctantly, crying even louder once she's in. It's killing me, to see her like this. I swear my heart is dying—if it's possible. I join her in the back seat and close the door behind me. "What's wrong?" She's just sitting there, shaking. I scooch a little closer to her, and then she scooches closer to me, closing the unbearable space between us. "Alexis?" She's in this trance and I desperately want her to get out of it.

Her arms around me again, and she finally says something. "Just hold me, please." I'm more than happy to oblige, but I need to know what's wrong. Her head is buried in my shoulder, and her tears aren't falling as quickly as they were before.

She was in the hospital… Was it Danny? Did the cancer return? Is something wrong with Alexis? Is she dying? Oh God, please I couldn't bare if Danny or she were sick. Tears are sliding down my face now too. I'm supposed to be some big shot mobster, but here I am with a sobbing woman in my arms and now I've gone and fucking started to cry too. I would only cry for Alexis. Only her.

"Please, Alexis tell me what's wrong. Is it you? Is it Danny?"

"No," she chokes out.

"Then what is it?"

She tightens her grip on me and takes her face off of my shoulder. She's looking into my eyes. Even red and swollen, her eyes are breathtaking. She opens her mouth as if she wants to say something, but instead she leans in and kisses me. My heart stops beating, and I feel an electric shock go through my body. She starts off shyly, and then I start kissing her back once I realize what's happening. The kiss deepens, and even though we want more we have to part for air. Then we kiss again, and again, and again. I loose count of how many times we've nearly passed out from lack of oxygen, but I don't want to stop and neither does she. I feel a heavy warmth in my chest and I don't want this feeling to leave.

Then all of a sudden she stops, and my heart sinks. I know she's changed her mind. She'll run out of my car after saying that this was all some mistake. That she can't be with some mobster kingpin that's going to get her family killed. I close my eyes. I'm waiting to hear the car door slam, but it never happens.

Instead I hear something I never thought that I would hear. "Julian, I love you."

I don't even need to think about it. I don't miss a beat and automatically reply, "I love you too."

She continues talking, and I know she has a lot to say. I'm going to let her say what she has to say because I've already told her what I need to say. I know she's listened to every voicemail and read every text a dozen times over.

"It hurts that you've lied to me. You've abused my heart so much in so little time. But when I'm not with you I feel like I'm dead inside. I want to be able to be free from people with connections to the mob. I don't want to have to be in fear for my life or my family's life… I've drilled it in my head that being apart from you will keep us safe, when in reality they'll come after us regardless of our status as a couple—because you love all of us, Sam, Danny, Molly and I. The pain I'm enduring for keeping you at arm's length is killing me. I want you. I need you. Julian I know I've left you time and time again, and I know I've hurt you just like you've hurt me. I know I'm an idiot for saying this, but god damn it Julian I forgive you. I forgive you for everything, and I hope you forgive me for walking out the door after I promised that I would stay." She's crying even harder, and I wrap my arms around her, placing her head on my chest.

"I don't need to forgive you. There's nothing to forgive. This only happened because I can't risk telling you information about my job… I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you died because of me."

She replies with more tears. Maybe I screwed up—saying what I did. I'm only reinforcing all the negative things she's said. She's going to leave. I'm just waiting for her to change her mind. Why would she stay with a mobster like me?

"I'm not going to leave. I'm never going to leave you. I don't care if Molly will hate me. I don't care if Sonny will call me your whore. I don't care what all of Port Charles will think. I just need to be with you. Not just for now, but for a long time. Julian I need you in my life."

"Alexis you say that now, but tomorrow you'll change your mind."

"No, Julian I won't, I—"

"Yes, Alexis you will. It always happens this way. I can't go through making up, and having sex with you for you to walk out my door because I screwed up again."

"Please Julian." He could tell that his was killing her as much as it was killing him.

"Alexis—"

"No. You listen. I'm going to stay. I'll take whatever bullet gets shot at me. I'd rather live five more minutes of my life with you and get killed, than live a long, miserable life without you."

This woman was doing things to him, things no other woman could do to him. He felt a string of emotions he had never felt before until he had met Alexis. He lifted up her chin and cupped her face with his hands. She looked innocent; she looked like that sixteen year old school girl who pretended to be older that he had met all those years ago. He kissed her, because he couldn't hold it inside him anymore. The need for her was too great.

When they parted, she looked at him doe eyed.

"Alexis, then let me tell you the truth. Let me tell you all you want to know, and I swear I'll get out of this mess I'm in. It's going to take time. I'll go through hell and back, but it'll be worth it if it means that I get to have you. For you and our family."

She nodded, even though she's heard this story before. They were once lies, but something inside her possessed her to believe him. Because he is telling her the truth. He would tell her all she wanted to know and more. Hell, he'd go to the Police Commissioner with Alexis by his side, if he had to. He would do anything.

"Okay, Julian."

"We'll make this work."

"We'll make this work."

He brushed her hair out of her face, and smiled. She pulled him into a kiss pushed him back into the seat. Climbing onto his lap, her legs on either side of him, she let out a moan. He responded with a low, throaty groan. Their kisses were hungry. Two days without him was enough to deprive her of the closeness she needed. She began to hastily unbutton his shirt, but he broke this kiss.  
>"Wait, Alexis."<p>

"Oh, what now?" she pouted. Gosh, he thought that she looked adorable.

"I don't want to do this here." She shot him a sad look, the kind that she knew would get him to do anything for her. "Don't look at me like that." She kissed him again, trying to distract him. This time it was more difficult for him to pull away, but he did. "Oh no you don't. I want to go home and make love to you properly. Maybe this time it won't be on the floor."

"But Julian."

"No buts. I want to make tonight special. Please. I promise. It'll be worth the wait."

"I'm sure it will, but why wait when we can have a prelude to the main event right here, right now?" She started to move on top of him, back and forth, grinding against his groin deliciously.

He kissed her passionately. "Oh God, I think you've got me convinced."

"That's the job of a lawyer, honey."

"Well you're one sexy lawyer." He began to kiss her neck, and when he found the sweet spot she let out a long moan. He quickly stripped her of her jacket and top, and she had quite literally ripped off his button-down shirt.

He kissed the top of each breast, before taking off her bra. Her beautiful breasts were on display before him, and he couldn't help but take the nipple of one into his mouth. His tongue expertly swirled around it; sometimes he would nibble on it. Hear head shot back as she let out a particularly loud moan. He then took the other into his mouth, doing the same. He knew how much she loved it when he did this. Meanwhile, his hands where roaming her body, while her nails were deliciously digging into his back. She wanted to mark him as hers with the scars her nails would leave.

"Oh Julian!" she screamed.

"Shh, Alexis—do you want the entire parking lot to hear you?"

"I don't give two shits if all of Port Charles hears me."

He let out a low groan. He loved it when she let the fowl side of her mouth go in times like these. It only turned him on even more.

She could feel how hard he was beneath his pants. She took the opportunity to take his length into her hand and began to rub it. "Gods Alexis, if you keep this up I'm going to come."

She laughed sexily, and kissed him. He couldn't take it anymore; he needed to be inside of her. He got her skirt and thong off in one fell swoop and she scrambled to get his pants off. He laid her back gently on the car seat and straddled her. The instant he entered her depths, she felt a burst of warmth inside her belly. He began to rock back and forth inside of her, first slowly and then increasing his speed. She matched his tempo, quickening with him. They were perfectly synched. Alexis felt like the world was spinning as they made love.

When they came, they came together. The orgasm that Alexis had was nearly indescribable. She felt so filled with energy, and even though her eyes were closed she could see a burst of colors—pinks and oranges, blues and greens. Her skin was filled with tiny goose bumps, and she was sensitive to the touch on every point of her body. Her heart was racing so fast, she swore that it would explode. It was exhilarating. After a few last thrusts, Julian collapsed on top of her. She moved to the side to give him room, and then laid half on top of him; wrapping one leg over him and a hand was set on his chest. They were both panting.

"That was amazing," he said.

"Yeah," she kissed his shoulder.

They were silent for a long time, listening to the sound of cars exiting the parking garage. Alexis grabbed his phone out of his pocket and put some music on. It was perfect, in the back seat of his car listening to music while naked in each other's arms.

He was the first to speak. "I was serious about earlier. I'll tell you what you want to know. Whenever you're ready to hear it, tell me and I'll drop everything to tell you."

Her fingers were tracing his bare, chiseled chest. "Thank you. But I don't want to force it out of you; you tell me when you're comfortable."

"Okay." It was quiet again after that for a while. "Hey, Alexis?"

"Yeah, Julian?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He took her hand into his. "Maybe we should get dressed, get home and have that wonderful evening that I was talking about. Hmm? What do you say?"

"I think that's a wonderful plan."

They got dressed and rode back to his apartment. Things would be different this time, he swore it to himself. He would make things right. Alexis would no longer be kept in the dark, and she wouldn't leave him if he had anything to do about it. This time, things wouldn't go through the same pattern. Sometimes different is bad, but in this case it was good—different was so undeniably good.


End file.
